1) Listen without judgment. The key to good communication is listening well. Save your judging for later after you have heard and understood what was said.
2) Listen with the willingness to be swayed to the other person's opinion. No obligation to actually being swayed, but stay open to the option.
3) Listen without thinking about what you will say next. Take time before you respond.
4) Do not be invested in being right. Being right is not the point. If you must be right, you are not able to listen nor communicate because you have set up a barrier already. If you are always right that means the other person is always wrong. That cannot be true.
5) If your mind wanders, ask for repetition. We all are subject to distraction. Try to stay focused.
6) In all cases repeat back what you heard and ask if it is correct.
7) Listen to yourself. Find quiet moments and pay attention to what you are hearing from yourself. Does your body tighten up about certain issues. Body language is not something to read only in other people.
8) Say it honestly, but with consideration for the listener's feelings. Be polite, respectful and sincere.
9) Understand and acknowledge that most things are not black or white, but somewhere in a gray area. Get comfortable with gray.
10) Have integrity and build trust. Don't say what you don't mean. Don't promise what you won't or can't fulfill. Follow through with any committments you make.
Good listening skills take practice. Specific coaching may be necessary if you find you have communication issues with your boss, colleagues, subordinates, partners or personal relationships.
Top Ten Ways to Improve Your Communication SkillsIntroduction
Supervising is like parenting. These are two of the most important jobs any one can do, but few people are adequately prepared or trained to do them. Most people learn by trial and error with varying degrees of success. But both jobs are far too important to be left to chance and the good news is that you can learn with some help and guidance how to be successful in them. This article will help you to be a more effective and efficient supervisor.
Supervisor's Role
In one sentence, write down what you think your main role as a supervisor is.
A role is a main activity or two that you are charged with undertaking
The answers could be:
· Provide leadership and collaborative direction to my staff;
· To be a team leader
· To ensure my staff have the human and physical resources to undertake their work in an efficient manner
Supervisor's Responsibilities
Learning Activity
What are your main supervisory responsibilities in your present job?
List them on a separate piece of paper (you should have 8 to 12). It is sometimes easier to think of these under two main headings: (a) job related and (b) people related.
Once you have a list, then rank them in order of importance.
When you have completed this activity, look at the examples other examples of supervisory responsibilities provided by the author.
Job Related
· Cost Control
· Equipment
· Goals
· Materials
· Plans
· Procedures
· Productivity
· Quality
· Standards
· Training
People Related
· Coaching
· Communicating
· Delegating
· Disciplining
· Leadership
· Managing yourself
· Motivating
· Supervising others
Learning Activity:
Current Obstacles & Challenges
What obstacles do you personally face now that makes it difficult for you to fulfil some of these responsibilities? They may stem (1) from you, (2) from your unit or (3) the organization as a whole. List then and then rank them in order of importance:
New Ways of Supervising
Over the years, the role of a supervisor has changed significantly from being a top down, autocratic order-giver to a team leader, coach and motivator.
· from ordering to asking; and consulting.
· from telling to listening and asking questions.
· from policing to coaching.
· from each person for himself to teamwork.
· from fear to mutual respect.
This change has come about, not because people are becoming "soft-hearted," but because it is now very clear that people are more productive if they are happy, motivated and upbeat. This takes place in an employee-friendly environment. The change is one of enlightened self-interest on the part of managers who decide what training is appropriate for their supervisors. They know that happy employees are productive employees.
Review and discuss about briefly the following chart "Leadership Styles"
Guidelines for Supervisory Behaviour
Without having a clear idea of what is acceptable behaviour for a supervisory, you are likely to model your behaviour after some role model in your life: a parent, a teacher, a boss. This could be good; but it could be disastrous if any of these people is dictatorial and demanding, or weak and indecisive.
A major benefit of this supervisory training program is that it provides you with guidelines about what is acceptable supervisory behaviour, and what is not. It also provides you with the skills to bring about this behavioural change. Once you know this, you will be more confident in what you do, as you won't be wondering whether you are taking the right action. Also, if you train with other people, you will all learn the same skill set and you will be able to help each other in the future when challenges arise.
Supervisor's Self-Assessment Survey
The Self-Assessment of Supervisory Knowledge, Skills and Attitudes survey below may look formidable but it effectively outlines the areas that you need to eventually master in order to become an outstanding supervisor. Don't be dismayed, you don't have to master all these areas in a month or two. It will take time and you will need to systematically work away at one or two areas at a time.
Most supervisors get promoted because they are "good on the job." They are hard working, productive. Hopefully, they are also loyal to the company and a good team player. While this is a good start to being a good supervisor, there are other skills they need to develop in terms of leadership: how to inspire, motivate, coach, delegate, discipline, plan, team-build etc. This is what this program is about.
Self-Assessment Survey Directions
Read through the list below without marking it up, then the second time around, Put a YES, NO or MAYBE to record what you think your skill or knowledge level is. This will give you a good idea where your strengths and weaknesses are
Supervisor's Self-Assessment Survey
Leadership
I have a clear understanding of the Company's goals and objectives
I understand how my role fits into the goals of the Company
I have a clear vision of the objectives of my area
I communicate the Company and area goals to the people under my supervision (my team) on a regular basis
I give frequent feedback to the people in my team to encourage their development and the achievement of their goals and objectives
I recognize and celebrate the successes of those in my team
I feel that the people in the Company are our most important assets
I believe that I treat others as I would like to be treated myself
I consciously work at setting an example of effective leadership
I am actively working on developing a positive self-image
My own enthusiasm is increasing the desire of my team to do better
Goal-setting
I have a written annual plan and personal performance goals which have been agreed upon by me and the person to whom I report
I work with my team regularly to help them set SMART goals that support their workplace development
I break down my annual goals into shorter-term goals
I review the progress of my goals regularly
I have a method for measuring and keeping track of my goal achievement
I ensure that the members of my team know on a regular basis the status of the Company's goal achievement
My goals for myself as a Foreman and for my team tie into the Company's goals
I set goals that stretch and challenge me
I achieve a high proportion of the goals I set
I enjoy challenges, and see them as opportunities for growth
Personal Productivity
I clearly understand my priorities
I spend only a small portion of my time in crisis management
I delegate work to others in an effective manner
My area of responsibility runs smoothly when I am not there
I accept personal responsibility when I make a mistake
I ensure that meetings I run have a clear agenda and start and finish on time
I plan my work in advance and work the plan
I rarely procrastinate or leave things to the last minute
I keep others informed, in advance, when I cannot meet their deadlines
Motivating Others
I give feedback on a timely basis
I know the people on my team well enough to understand what is important to them
I believe in the abilities of people on my team and communicate my confidence in them
I provide (or am instrumental in obtaining) training for the people on my team that they need to develop the skills necessary to do their job well
I ensure clear goals and expectations are set with those people who report to me
Morale in my department (team) is high
I always share credit for success
I ensure that people on my team are clear about what their responsibilities are
I ask questions and encourage people to find out answers to their concerns
I listen to the ideas of others
I am flexible in how things get done, providing the results are satisfactory
When things go wrong, I question what I could have done differently. I share responsibility.
Coaching for Success
I coach my people to help them achieve success in what they do
I provide one-on-one sessions with each person who reports to me
I ensure that during coaching sessions the other person(s) talk more than I do
I really listen to understand the concerns of others
I help others to be self-aware of the areas in which they deed to improve or develop
I support the goals set by individuals on my team
I help members of my team to be accountable for their goals and performance
I deal openly, constructively and promptly with any negative performance issues
I encourage and ask for feedback on my own performance from my team
Communications and Building Relationships
I listen to understand the other person's perspective before I give mine
I always wait until others have finished talking before I speak; I don't interrupt
I spend time planning important communications, written or oral
I develop strong business relationships with the people on my team as well as with suppliers and customers
When people bring to my attention my own negative performance issues, I respond in a non-defensive manner
I speak calmly to people, not raising my voice, regardless of the issue at hand
If I have an issue with someone, I always deal directly with them, I do not talk behind their back
I observe others' non-verbal communication to assess how they are really feeling
I maintain an open mind in most discussions
I seek and consider other people's opinions
Dealing with Performance Issues
I deal with performance issues on a timely basis
I allow others to explain their viewpoint before coming to a conclusion
I see dealing with negative issues as an opportunity to train and develop people
I make sure that clear expectations are set and agreed upon with the individual after a performance issue discussion
I am willing to accept that my perception of an issue may not always be right
I avoid argument, accusation and sarcasm
I encourage others on my team to be open about their mistakes so that we can make corrections and learn
Team Building and Synergy
I see my position as Foreman as being a team leader and that those I supervise are all members of my team
I ensure that my team and it's members have clear goals and expectations
I am willing to delegate responsibility to team members
I give regular feedback to the members of my team; not just about negative issues but I also regularly tell members of my team when them have performed well
Others see me as a team player
I follow through on commitments I make to team members
The results of team efforts are shared with members of the team (e.g. I do not take all the credit for my team's successes)
I actively promote team spirit and positive interpersonal relationships amongst the members of my team
As team leader, I move promptly to discourage behaviour by individual(s) in my team when such behaviour has a negative impact on team-building (e.g. "turf wars," "inner circles," "behind-back gossip" etc.
Managing Stress
I am aware of what causes me stress on the job and I manage those situations
I notice when team members are under stress and help them to deal with the situation
I discuss my concerns and problems with the person to whom I report
I do not take my work problems home, nor do I bring my home problems to work
I use small amounts of stress as a motivator
I enjoy most of the work I do
I strive to maintain a good balance between my workplace life and my home life
I eat a balanced diet
I exercise regularly
Enhancing Future Results
I am continually upgrading my skills
I am aware of areas I need to improve
I ask advice from people with more experience
I admit when I do not know something
I invest time in training or coaching others
I spend time weekly to study or read
I ask others regularly how they think I could improve
That is the conclusion of this article which I hope you have found helpful and informative.
Do check out my website too although it is not directly related to this subject, you may also find it interesting
http://www.ehomebiz.org
And is isn't hard - it's more about focusing on people, who they are and what interests them. And that's just where you spend your time. About them - not you, not your business. Create partnerships.
5 tips
Be natural - by being yourself, you will build relationships with ease. Trust yourself - let yourself go. Be open, share your feelings, but mostly, listen to others.
Ask questions - you will find out more about others by listening to what they have to say, so be nosy, ask open questions, find out stuff. Then ask more about what they have been telling you.
Show integrity - by ensuring that others can trust you, by following through with promises and being discreet, people will be more open with you and that is the doorway to great relationships. Do what you say you will do.
Match - nothing helps build relationships by matching tone, volume of voice. By taking the same body posture. By paying attention to their eyes (whilst nor staring).
Have fun - nothing works better to build relationships than by having a foundation of a fun time together. So laugh, take time to 'play' and be informal. Take part.
5 Questions
What do you know about your people outside the business?
When was the last time you asked them about something important to them?
What percentage of your people do you speak to every day?
Who have you shared your hopes, fears, worries and excitements about your organisation with this week?
What three steps can you take to build relationships between you and your people - in the next three working days?
There is no time like the present to start and to focus on Relationship Building. It is the basis of all you do when you manage others.
1) If you know you must have a crucial conversation, prepare for it. When is it worth the time to prepare? If you have these three items of a crucial conversation:
When an important issue is involved. The other person or group has a different view from yours. The other person may have a reaction and get emotionally high strung.
If the other person confronts you suddenly so that you do not have time to prepare, you need to be able to recognize these three items quickly. Then you may choose to ask for a delay and make an appointment to talk about this later. This gives you time to prepare.
2) Look inside yourself and get very clear on what you really want. What outcome of this important issue is your goal? Why? What really matters to you here? Do not be satisfied with your first answer. Dig deeper, down to your core values. You may or may not want to express your core values to the other person, but you must be clear about them.
3) Guess what really matters to the other person. This prepares you for what they may say. Even if you disagree strongly, try to have empathy. Ask yourself, "What really matters to them in this situation?"
4) Start the conversation with a factual statement about the issue. Stay away from any evaluations that may be inflammatory.
5) Invite them into a win/win approach. Say you are interested in finding a solution that will give both of you most of what you want. This may require some creative collaboration. Ask, are they willing to do this?
6) Be assertive, not aggressive or avoiding.
7) Use good communication skills.
Taking these steps will give you a good chance of having a good outcome for your crucial conversation.
Crucial ConversationsLife coaching fees vary greatly depending on the location of the life coach, the amount of hours in the package of sessions you choose to purchase, and the structure of the sessions. There are 3 main types of services given by life coaches. These are as follows:
One on one coaching sessions. These types of sessions are usually held via telephone and followed by worksheets sent via email or facsimile. These coaching sessions can be incredibly powerful tools to making big changes in your life. People participate in life coaching sessions to make career transitions, family relationship transitions, to find balance in their lives, to find fulfillment in their careers, to improve their health and wellness, to find peace and tranquility in their daily grind, and for many other reasons. The fees vary across the board. However, the general estimate for life coaching fees is from 0 to 0 per hour. Webinars. Webinars are incredibly convenient. They are basically workshops done online. You can attend them live or watch and listen to pre-recorded ones. They are usually done via telephone and internet and are interactive. If you attend a live webinar, you will usually be joined by several other people who will also ask questions. Webinars are a great way to get a taste of life coaching, get to know the life coach's guiding style, and find out what you can gain from a one on one life coaching session. Usually people call the life coach after the webinar to discuss more about themselves and see if they are a good match for one on one telephone life coaching sessions. The price of webinars is usually substantially lower than one on one coaching fees. Live workshops. These workshops are usually in person or via internet. The life coach usually inspires you and motivates you to make changes during these workshops. The workshops usually focus on specific topics or goals and several people attend at the same time. While some workshops are very interactive, others are not. This will all vary depending on the style of the life coach who is presenting the workshop. They are a good choice for people who need a little push once in a while or who need a little bit of motivation to get things started and continue doing the work themselves. The life coaching fees for the workshops are usually somewhere between the coaching fees of one on one live sessions and webinars.
Life coaching fees can also vary greatly depending on the amount of hours you sign up for at the beginning of your relationship with the life coach. While some coaches are more flexible with their session packages, others do not bend the rules whatsoever.
Life coaching fees are a consideration you should discuss during your very first encounter with the coach to ascertain that 1. You have confidence and rapport with the life coach, and 2. Your goals are important enough to you to pay the life coaching fees to help you find it in yourself to obtain them.
What Are Typical Life Coaching Fees?What are some common 50 50 child custody schedules, arrangements or parenting plans? There are many different 50/50 parenting schedules where the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent. The type of plan chosen and how the child spends time with each parent should reflect what's best for the children and may vary from family to family depending on many factors such as the age of the children, relationship the child has with each parent, work schedules, distance between parent's homes, etc. along with other family dynamics. Below are some common 50 50 child custody schedules the can be altered according to what works best for your children and your specific situation.
3-4-4-3 Parenting Schedule
One common 50 50 child custody schedule is a 3-4-4-3 schedule. An example of this parenting schedule is where the child spends time with parent A from Wednesday through Friday in Week One and Wednesday through Saturday Week Two. And the child would spend time with Parent B from Saturday through Tuesday in Week One and Sunday through Tuesday in Week Two.
This parenting schedule allows for the children to spend an equal amount of time with each parent and have frequent and continuous contact while not going without seeing either parent for more than four days. With this schedule the week day time is consistent between homes with only a few transitions throughout the month. This 50 50 child custody arrangement is more often seen in situations where the children are younger.
2-2-3-2-2-3 Parenting Schedule
Another common 50 50 child custody schedule is a 2-2-3-2-2-3 schedule. This parenting schedule is where the child spends Week One with Parent A on Monday and Tuesday (2 days), Parent B on Wednesday and Thursday (2 days) and the weekend with Parent A on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (3 days). The child spends Week Two with Parent B on Monday and Tuesday (2 days), Parent A on Wednesday and Thursday (2 days) and the weekend with Parent B on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (3 days)
This parenting schedule allows for the children to spend an equal amount of time with both parents during the week and on weekends. The parents will alternate weekends Friday-Sunday. The consistency of two consecutive day periods either Monday-Tuesday or Wednesday-Thursday will alternate from week-to-week. While there are a couple more transitions than the 5-2-2-5 schedule, the 2-2-3-2-2-3 schedule allows the child to spend an equal amount of time with both parents and have frequent and continuous contact with both parents, during the week and weekend, with the child not going more than three days without seeing either parent. This 50 50 child custody arrangement is more often seen in cases where the children are a little younger and spending more than three consecutive days with either parent is a concern or preferred.
5-2-2-5 Parenting Schedule
Another common 50 50 child custody schedule is a 5-2-2-5 schedule. This parenting schedule is where the child is with Parent A every Monday and Tuesday (2 days) and Parent B every Wednesday and Thursday (2 days). The weekends from Friday through Sunday would be alternated (3 days) between the parents. The child will be with the parent whose weekend it is for 5 days and the other parent 2 days. Because the weekend time alternates from week to week, the child would end up spending 50% time with both parents.
This parenting schedule allows for the children to spend an equal amount of time with both parents during the week and on weekends. It also affords the children to spend a longer block of time with each parent with only a few transitions between homes throughout the month. This 50 50 child custody arrangement is more often seen in cases where the children are a little bit older and can go without seeing either parent for five consecutive days.
Alternating Weeks Parenting Schedule
Another common 50 50 child custody arrangement is an alternating week schedule or "one week on and one week off" parenting schedule. This parenting schedule is where the child spends one week (7 days) with Parent A in Week One and one week (7 days) with Parent B in Week Two. This schedule is quite common and is more often seen in cases where the children are older and can go without seeing either parent for seven consecutive days.
A common modification of the alternating week schedule is to have a mid-week visit or overnight on Wednesday. In other words, the parent who the child is not with for a given week will have a dinner visit or overnight during the mid-week - typically on Wednesday. As the children grow older, they may be able to transition to a full alternating week parenting schedule. This parenting schedule is often seen in cases where the children are younger.
The alternating week parenting schedule allows the child to spend an equal 50% time with both parents during the week and weekend. It can also make for an easier and more consistent schedule transition during Winter, Spring and Summer break if the schedule remains the same or similar during the holidays.
2010 Child Custody Coach™. All rights reserved.
Child Custody Schedules - Ideas for a 50-50 Custody ScheduleLife is a process of beginnings and endings. In both life and nature, there are times when things move slowly and don't seem to change very much. Then, suddenly, things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as the changing seasons.
Life transitions are challenging because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future with a feeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a string of losses:
• The loss of a role
• The loss of a person
• The loss of a place
• The loss of your sense of where you fit in the world
Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted. On the positive side, these transitions give us a chance to learn about our strengths and to explore what we really want out of life. This time of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.
A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as the unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us feeling completely unprepared and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.
Examples of Life Transitions
Life transitions can include any of the following:
• Accidents
• Buying a house
• Changing jobs
• Divorce
• Getting married
• Having a baby
• Leaving for college
• Relocation
• Retirement
• Selling a house
• Serious illness
• Significant loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)
• Starting a career
Stages of Life Transitions
Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:
1. Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).
2. Feel a loss of self-esteem.
3. Begin to accept the change.
4. Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.
5. Begin to feel hopeful about the future.
6. Feel increased self-esteem.
7. Develop an optimistic view of the future.
The process of moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.
Coping Skills
Life transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side, too. They provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.
Accept that change is a normal part of life. People who have this attitude seem to have the easiest time getting through life transitions. Seeing changes as negative or as experiences that must be avoided makes them more difficult to navigate and less personally productive.
Identify your values and life goals. If a person knows who they are and what they want from life, they may see the change as just another life challenge. These people are willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame others for the changes that come along without warning.
Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it's normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.
Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Don't be in a rush. When your life is disrupted, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best for you.
Expect to feel uncomfortable. A time of transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.
Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.
Take good care of yourself. Transitions are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.
Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you and encourage you to express your true feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide you through the transition process in a safe and supportive environment.
Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can't bear to say good-bye? Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.
Keep some things consistent. When you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as much of your daily routine consistent as you can.
Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity will return.
Take one step at a time. It's understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. To regain a sense of power, find one small thing you can control right now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.
Times of life transitions offer you the chance to explore what your ideal life would look like. When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams you once had but perhaps forgot about. Take this time to write about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or therapist. Now is a good time to take advantage of the fork in the road.
Negotiating Difficult Life TransitionsIf I say the word "CHANGE" how do you feel? Most people remain fearful, anxious and uncomfortable with change, despite it being a driving issue in our society. It appears that no matter how much experience we have it doesn't get any easier.
Gaining a level of understanding that allows you to be productive, creative and flexible with your own life as well as helping others handle change is key to succeeding in today's ever-changing world.
Follow these 10 steps to help you cope with the transitions in your life:
1. Recognise that things DO change
Nothing is forever. Neither the good, nor the bad. You will be much less frustrated if you accept the change and decide to manage it, rather than desperately try and cling onto the way things used to be.
2. Pinpoint the specific change you are going through
Because any change has a number of implications in different areas of our lives, we tend to generalise the change we are going through. Stay focussed on one aspect of the change by identifying what you are most afraid of losing as a result of this change and then understanding why that loss is uncomfortable. For example, a new computer system may mean you will no longer feel competent. Feeling incompetent is a very different issue than fighting new technology, and can be easily addressed with training.
3. Accept the loss factor
Admit to yourself that regardless of whether or not you experience this particular change as 'good' or 'bad', there will be a sense of loss. This is the 'better the devil you know' scenario that leads us to put up with a situation we know isn't good for us. Clearly define the change and recognise the areas of your life that will not change as a result.
4. Seek valid information
You will doubt the facts and struggle to believe anything you hear, see or feel about the change. Write down what information you need to know and who can provide you with that data. Ask straight questions, remain open to views that may be different to your own and listen to what you are being told.
5. Take action
Now that you have information, kick-start some forward momentum by taking both physical and mental action. Focus on taking the first baby step by setting priorities, committing to someone else what you will achieve and by when, and exercise (even if it's only a 15 minute walk each day).
6. Recognise the Danger Zone
There comes a point where we choose to move on with the change and discover the opportunities it brings, or to give in to the fear of the unknown and remain fearful, anxious and in denial. Recognise that this normal, and don't allow yourself to succumb. Increasing your small, regular action steps will help you keep that forward momentum going.
7. Make a decision
All the information you gathered may seem overwhelming. To avoid analysis paralysis set yourself a deadline for making a decision and do whatever it takes - even if you resort to flipping a coin! The secret to this is to break big decisions down into small, bite-sized chunks and work on one at a time. This way, decisions are easily reversible.
8. Identify the benefits
All change has some benefits. A divorce can give us the opportunity to have control of the remote, a new job could teach us new skills and starting your own business can provide you with the chance to follow your passion. Understand what the benefits of the change are and recognise them for the great gifts they bring you.
9. Change? What Change?
I promise there will come a time when you stop looking at the 'change' as something different. You will have integrated its challenges and victories into your life and will now feel more stable and open to what the future may hold. Remember everything you have learned for the next exciting, exhilarating and, oh ok, scary change.
10. Identify a change partner
Change is a constant in today's society that you will go through many times in many different situations. Finding a change partner who is committed to encouraging you and supporting you will make the whole experience less scary and probably speedier. This may be a coach who can remain dispassionate, hold the mirror up to your fears and hold onto your highest goals. Or it might be a colleague at work who can help you see both sides of a situation.
Change and Transition - 10 Steps to Surviving Change ElegantlyThe fact that teens go through a transition period is not at issue. We see it in our homes, on TV, at the mall. Just about everywhere we go, there are those teens, doing their very obvious transition thing! For many adults, this period is uncomfortable to witness. We may find it frightening, sad, or offensive. Some of us have the luxury of ignoring it, as we have no teens in our lives. But some of us have no choice; we are surrounded by Teen Spirit! Often we feel powerless to help; we're busy, they're scary, we feel incompetent, they refuse our offers. The truth is they DO need our help; how else are they to learn how to become happy and productive adults?
I've been playing with the Caterpillar-into-Butterfly analogy lately. The caterpillar/teen goes along, happily munching leaves, when nature calls for a change. The caterpillar/teen enters its own little world and is set apart from "society." This period is a mystery to biologists but within this structure (the cocoon) nature is able to transform the fuzzy, prickly caterpillar/teen into a gorgeous butterfly/adult.
It's a cute comparison, right? Notice, however that something doesn't match up: where is the analogous cocoon when we're talking about teens? Imagine a butterfly being formed outside the cocoon. It couldn't happen. What safe structure is available for their delicate and dramatic transformation? If you take time to observe teens you notice that they are most passionate about their lives when they belong to a system. For some it's a strong family system, for others it's school or a sports team or a club or church group. Others may find their purpose and passion through the responsibilities of holding down a job. Unfortunately, when left to their own devices, and having few tools to cope with impending adulthood, teens will create their own structure to give them a sense of safety. Sadly, for some, a gang or drugs or having babies provides the structure they lack anywhere else.
How can parents create structure for their kids?
1.A strong sense of family is crucial. It doesn't matter what the family looks like as long as there is a strong sense of unity and common purpose.
2.All children need to feel safe. For a child this means that their parents are dependable, trustworthy and consistent in their behavior. It means that, when making decisions that affect their children, parents take into account their kid's particular physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological needs and limitations as well as their strengths. It means that the parents get to be parents, even when it's inconvenient or tiring or frightening and the kids get to be kids, even when it's boring or "unfair" or restrictive.
3.To learn respect and compassion and kindness, kids need to see these demonstrated DAILY within their home. Love and acceptance should never (NEVER) be withheld. We may disapprove or despair of our child's behavior (and administer an appropriate consequence or arrange for an intervention such as coaching or counseling) AND we still offer words of love and acceptance, for this is when our children probably need it the most.
Just as the caterpillar needs a structure to fulfill its destiny and complete its natural, even divine, transformation, so too a teen MUST have structure in order to fulfill his/her sacred life purpose. If a parent or other adult does not provide such structure during adolescence it can by pieced together by the wounded and healing adult later in life. Regardless, structure is imperative.
Copyright February 2008 Margit Crane
All Rights Reserved
Supporting the Teenage Transition from Childhood to AdulthoodDo you feel tense and anxious at work? Do your co-workers and/or boss make you crazy? Is your personal life less than blissful? If so, you've got stress. If you're like most people you've sought refuge from this situation by trying a quick fix or two like calling a friend, walking the dog, or going away for the weekend in an attempt to escape it all. While these strategies may serve as temporary diversions, nothing in your life changes when you return to your routine.
Stress is internal, which explains why it can wreak havoc on your health. It feels awful...it's the sense that you're not in control. The easiest way to mitigate its effect is to take charge of the one and only thing you have the power to control...YOU, and let go of what you can't control. The beauty of this recipe is that by taking control of your life, external or outside things will change in response to your internal changes. Here are 10 steps to destress for your present and future:
1. Heal yourself.
Dr. Bruce McEwen, who wrote The End of Stress As We Know It, suggests that eliminating stress comes right from your grandmother's journal. He says the most effective steps you can take are the simplest: exercise, a healthy diet, regular sleep, moderate to minimal alcohol intake, and no smoking. This, he notes, is the most sophisticated, up to the minute, cutting edge science available!
2. Get organized.
Physical clutter reminds us of things that need to be done and that's stressful. Remove your physical clutter and you'll eradicate your mental clutter, plus you'll feel energized. The recipe for eliminating clutter is the same regardless of the room or space you're working on. In short, begin by defining the purpose of your room, then identify the major categories to be kept in your space, sort all your belongings into those categories, edit each category, and finally, put your possessions in a pleasing and practical place.
3. Set boundaries.
Boundaries act as a filter to keep you safe from the hurtful behavior of others while allowing in the love, support and nurturing actions we all need. Set your boundaries by: (a) determining what others cannot do to you or in your presence and (b) sharing this information respectfully with anyone who is stepping over one of your boundaries.
4. Take time for yourself.
Put together a list of all the things you love to do but haven't regularly made time to do. Put your list in priority order and enter the top five to seven items into your daily calendar. Your list may include things as simple as journaling, reading a great book, taking a bubble bath, yoga, etc. You'll be more successful getting to these activities when you give them a time and place on your calendar.
5. Be positive.
William James, the father of modern psychology said, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind." In other words, what you say and what you tell yourself impact the present and create your future. Love yourself and use the power of positive words, pleasing thoughts and affirming beliefs to live the life you want to live.
6. Work in a career you love.
If you're like most people, you spend the majority of your waking hours at work. You'll know you're in the right profession when: you wake up anxious to go to work, you want to do your best daily, and you know your work is important.
7. Surround yourself with a supportive community.
You are who you spend time with. Hang out with people who love and accept you just the way you are, are interested in you (not what you can do for them), lift you up (not wear you down), solve problems quickly, don't gossip or complain, and know how to have fun. Anything is possible with the right support.
8. Learn to say, "No."
We've all been influenced by people in our life who tell us we should do this or we ought to do that. As a result, we may end up living a life that others have decided for us versus living the life we want. So, the next time you think of something you ought to do or someone else suggests you should do, take a breath and ask yourself if it's something you want to do. If not, just say, "no" or "no thank you." When you say no to things you don't care to do, you are saying yes to you and this will free up your time and energy for the things you choose to do. Bottom line - you'll be happier.
9. Zap tolerations.
A toleration is something that irritates you and drains your energy because it needs to be done, fixed, removed, or changed. If you're like most people you may be tolerating 100 or more things! Put together a list of all the things that bug you, e.g. a dripping faucet, money concerns, your weight, shopping and running errands, not enough time, computer files out of control, your hair, a room that needs to be painted, etc. When your list is complete, group like items and see if one solution will eliminate multiple tolerations. For example, if you have piles of clothing in each bedroom, dirty windows and dust bunnies on your floor, hiring a housekeeper will zap all three tolerations. Line up a housekeeper, today. Then, commit to spending a chunk of time each week to zap your other tolerations. If you have a toleration that you don't have the skill or know-how to fix, consider calling an expert or seek out a skilled professional to trade services with.
10. Get your needs met.
A "need" is not an option, it is something you must have to function fully. It is differentiated from a "want" in that a want is optional. Unmet needs can drive you to distraction and worse. Determine what needs you have that aren't being met, if any, and then take the appropriate action to get them fulfilled. Example: If you've taken a big hit and are going through a career transition, ask a good friend to call you two or three times a week to check in with you and give you support. Other options include calling your own voice mail and leaving supportive messages or hiring a coach who specializes in career transitions. When you acknowledge and satisfy your needs, you will be free to focus on other areas of your life.
If you want to be happier and more successful, focus on the things you have the power to control.
The Top 10 Steps to De-StressThe importance of listening in communication is enormous. People often focus on their speaking ability believing that good speaking equals good communication. The ability to speak well is a necessary component to successful communication. The ability to listen is equally as important.
The importance of listening in communication is often well illustrated when we analyze our listening skills with those closest to us. In particular I am referring to our spouse, partner, children or friends. Pay attention to the everyday conversations we have with these people with whom we think we communicate well.
Do you ever find yourself mindlessly saying "uh huh" when one of these folks is trying to tell you something only to have say just after "I'm sorry what did you say?" Have you been in a conversation with one of them and you are not really listening completely to what they have to say because you are too busy formulating your response?
This is actually quite common and yet we think we are good communicators. In order to communicate effectively we have to be able to hear what the other person is saying. Not just hear because the acoustics are good or because the other person is speaking in a loud enough tone. It is important that we hear what the person is saying because we have taken the time to actively listen.
Listening takes work and when it comes to improving our communication there is no getting around that. When we are listening to music or watching T.V. we can certainly let our minds wander. If we want our communication skills to get stronger it is important that we not day dream in a conversation but instead concentrate fully on what the other person is saying.
No doubt this can be difficult. Not every conversation we are in is particularly interesting. If however, we want to improve these skills focus is important even when dealing with younger children and teenagers.
Allowing the person to completely finish their thought before you begin to form a response is also crucial to good listening. To take it even one step further wait a moment before you begin to reply. This gives the other person a chance to add anything else they may have thought of. By waiting an additional moment before you reply you also let the other person know they have been heard completely. If you practice this for a time people will relax when conversing with you because they will know that they don't have to rush to get their two cents in. They will appreciate the fact that they can communicate with you and be heard.
When having those important conversations with the people closest to you, try taking it one step further and repeating back what they said "what I heard you say is you are uncomfortable..." By doing this you give the other person the opportunity to correct any misconceptions that may have occurred or to clarify any points they were trying to make. This heightens the level of communication you are enjoying. And the person you are communicating with will certainly feel respected and important given the care you are taking with the conversation.
The technique of repeating back for clarity had been extremely useful when I have had conversations with my teenagers. It also comes in handy when speaking with a spouse or partner. Often times in those situations we begin to assume we know what the other person means. Allowing them to express themselves completely actually allows for greater intimacy, something we often desire in our relationships but wonder why we are not achieving.
The importance of listening in communication is something worthwhile to consider. Good listeners are often some of the best speakers because they have taken the time to find out what people are truly interested in. If you understand what is important to people than you understand how to reach them.
The strategies I spoke about are just as effective in the workplace especially in sales. If you are really listening to what your customer wants it will be that much easier to fulfill their needs. The customer will be impressed that you listened to what they were communicating instead of just going into sales mode. I have personally found in sales that the more I listened and the less I talked the better my sales ratio was and the more satisfied my clients were. That is a win-win situation for all involved.
The Importance Of Listening In Communication